Posted on 02/05/2024
If you're a parent of a tween, you don't need to be told that this can be a challenging stage. But don't worry: there are a few survival skills that can help you navigate this new phase - and keep your sanity as well as your family relationships intact. Understanding the origin of the term and what it refers to can give you some insight about what is causing such strain between you and your child - I mean, er, tween.
A Little History
The term "tween" is fairly new, appearing in print to designate the age group formerly described as pre-teen or pre-adolescent. It first made its appearance in the 1980s and has become increasingly common since then. (The term "teenager" didn't even appear until the 1940s, but that's a topic for another day.) The idea is an age group between that of "childhood" and adolescence. Classical education models also refer to this stage as the "dialectic stage," referring to the idea that children begin to question and argue.
The tween period has been typically defined by the ages of 8-12 but sometimes as wide as 6-16. While the term may have originated in the marketing arena, the main concept is certainly instructive to parents: regardless of the word's origin or its precise parameters, it's during this general age range that a child transitions to increasing capability of "self-government." (Don't worry, we're not getting political here.)
Adjusting Expectations
Like it or not, the tweens are years for increasing autonomy. As a child becomes a tween and begins to learn to self govern, they'll be a bit clumsy and inconsistent about it. Of course, clashes with authority will be inevitable, and it will be tricky to find the right balance between teaching respect and requiring compliance while helping your tween gain confidence and improve with decision-making skills. "I'm not a little kid anymore," are words most parents hate to hear. Once those seem to be part of your tween's frustrations, it will be time for a conversation about how more independence comes with more responsibility. You can talk about how this transition time will be difficult for both of you to navigate, and you need to show respect to one another.
Avoiding Unnecessary Clashes
In order to allow your relationship with your child - I mean, er, tween - to survive this transition period, you will need to adjust the way you communicate your expectations. One way to help avoid conflict is to make your communications less direct and give your tween more of that responsibility and autonomy she craves. This might mean setting up a system by which you write out daily responsibilities for her to complete and check off the list as she goes and giving reminders by sending her a text or leaving a note on her backpack or bedroom door, rather than giving her a verbal reminder.
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